Yesterday, I was talking to a woman I’d just met. She asked me how many kids I have, and I said I have a son who is 9 and a daughter in heaven. I explained I’d lost her to stillbirth at 8 months pregnant.
The young woman’s response was filled with care. She asked, “What’s your daughter’s name?”
“Ara,” I responded.
“That’s beautiful,” she said. “How old would she be?”
“Thank you so much for asking, she would be eighteen months” I said.
“She’s still here,” she replied.
I appreciated her curiosity and the way she asked questions about my daughter, an acknowledgement of her existence, beyond the physical. It was such a breath of fresh air compared to the usual “I’m sorry” followed by a quick change of topic.
This brief interaction was a powerful reminder of how significant it is to acknowledge and validate a bereaved parent’s experience. When someone asks about my daughter, they recognize her existence and the profound impact she has had on my life. This validation helps to break the silence and stigma surrounding stillbirth and infant loss, fostering a more compassionate and understanding society.
How to Respond to a Stillbirth
If someone shares their experience of losing a baby to stillbirth, here are a few tips on how to respond:
- Acknowledge Their Baby: Use the baby’s name and ask questions that show you care. For example, “What was your baby’s name?” or “Tell me about Ara.”
- Show Empathy: Instead of quickly saying “I’m sorry” and moving on, show genuine interest. You might say, “I can’t imagine how hard that must be. How are you coping?” or “What can I do to support you?”
- Avoid Clichés: Refrain from using phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least you have another child.” These can be hurtful and dismissive.
- Offer a Listening Ear: Sometimes, the best support is simply to listen. Let them share their story and their feelings without interruption or judgment.
- Remember Important Dates: Mark significant dates, such as the baby’s birthday or the anniversary of their passing, in your calendar. Reach out to the parent on those days to let them know you’re thinking of them and their baby.
Why Acknowledgement Matters
- Validation of Existence: Acknowledging a lost baby affirms their existence and significance in the parent’s life. It helps to validate their grief and their identity as a parent.
- Breaking the Silence: Talking about stillbirth and infant loss openly can help break the taboo and silence that often surrounds these experiences. It encourages a more supportive and understanding community.
- Emotional Support: Asking questions and showing genuine interest provides emotional support to the grieving parent. It shows that you care and are willing to listen and understand their pain.
By incorporating these practices, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for Women who have experienced stillbirth.
Remember, every baby matters, and every story deserves to be heard.
If you found this helpful, consider joining our online community, where we offer support and sisterhood for bereaved Mothers.
Aloha, Mamaste.