As a stillbirth mom, navigating conversations about my baby’s death can be tricky. While I desire to to openly communicate about my experience of loss and grief, I have found a lack of grief etiquette in our society that often times leaves me feeling infuriated.
Phrases like “It wasn’t meant to be” or “God needed another angel” may be spoken with good intentions, they often pour salt into an already painful wound, intensifying the sting. I am displeased when I hear spiritual or religious statements intended to bring comfort, when in reality, they add another layer of complexity to an already challenging journey.
In those moments, I want to stop the conversation and scream “I NEEDED MY BABY!”
People forget that their words can inflict more pain, even if their intention is to bring peace. It’s challenging enough to share about your baby’s passing, so when you do, and are met with harsh looks or words from people who don’t comprehend the depth of your grief, it feels even more isolating. As unfortunately, we live in a society that is uncomfortable with talking about death.
However, stillbirth mothers’ should not have to be silent about their experiences to make other people more comfortable. The truth is, there are no perfect words that can ease the anguish of losing a child. What we really need is compassion, understanding and the acknowledgment of our grief, which varies from woman to woman, as it is a very intimate and personal journey.
If you are having a conversation with someone, and they say something that is hurtful or uncomfortable, you have the right to set a boundary. “Please don’t say that to me, it it makes me feel uncomfortable, or that is not helpful to hear”. Setting boundaries is important for your mental health and well being through grief. I’ve had to tell people to keep their beliefs or opinions about my daughter dying to themselves. Educating those around you on what you find supportive can foster a more understanding environment.
If you’re unsure of what to say, offering simple expressions of empathy like “I’m here for you” can provide much-needed comfort. Sometimes, a heartfelt gesture or a listening ear can be more powerful than any words.
If you are needing a safe and supportive community of understanding hearts who share similar experiences, consider joining our online sisterhood. Together, we navigate the complexities of grief, offering solace, understanding, and the warmth of shared stories. You’re not alone. <3
Aloha, Mamaste.
Also, feel free to share in the comments how you navigate setting boundaries in your conversations when people say insensitive things about your loss.