Two years ago today, I rose with the sun to take a pregnancy test. The 5 minute wait for the results felt like an eternity, each passing minute amplifying my anticipation. I wanted to know if there was one blue line or two. I watched as the first line became visible, then the second line faintly started to appear.
Finally, the results materialized: two distinct blue lines. Positive. I was pregnant, a confirmation of what I’d intuitively felt.
I turned the test to show my partner the two blue lines. His eyes sparkled with joy as a wide smile spread from cheek to cheek. He kissed my womb and welcomed the presence of our baby’s spirit in my belly. I laid back down in bed with him and we made love to celebrate the conception and revel in the joyous prospect of parenthood.
A month earlier, my (then) partner expressed his desire for me to become the mother of his child. Within a few days, I felt a powerful presence, unmistakably my daughter’s spirit. She told me her name; Ara, a celestial constellation that resembles a tortoise, which resonated with her dad and I, as he has a tattoo of a turtle with all of the planets on its back.
I shared Ara’s presence with my partner, affirming her readiness to join our lives. We both felt guided by synchronicities and a profound sense of destiny. The day before her dad’s birthday, we chose to try our luck, and in a stroke of serendipity, we succeeded on our first attempt to conceive, reaffirming our belief that it was “meant to be”. (As we know, many Women struggle to conceive, taking years).
Reflecting back on the day I found out I was pregnant and how things have turned out, I am devastated, I grapple with my grief everyday. I feel I live in two alternate realities, the one that I am forced to continue existing in, without my daughter here and the parallel universe, where she “should” be alive and almost 18 months now.
It’s a painful reminder of the fragility of life and the unpredictability of fate. Despite our best intentions and efforts, sometimes things are beyond our control. It’s a harsh reality to confront, especially when those plans involve the loss of someone so deeply cherished and the life we envisioned.
As I navigate this complex journey of grief, I find solace in cherishing the memories of the brief time I had with Ara in my womb and in honoring her spirit in my heart. Though she may not be physically present, her presence lingers in every corner of my being, her DNA remains in my blood, reminding me of the profound love and connection we shared, which IS eternal.
As I honor the memory of my precious baby girl today, I invite you to join our online sisterhood. Together, we can support each other through the challenges of grief, and find comfort in knowing that we are not alone on this journey.
Aloha, so much LOVE!
